You Make Me So Mad George Lucas

I won't ruin Indiana Jones 4 for any of you who haven't seen it, because George Lucas already did that when he got his two cents in on the revival of what had been one of the last pure good things from my childhood. You know how in Pet Sematary the dad goes to bury his kid to bring him back, and the old New Englander man warns him not to, because he knows his kid will come back as a horrible, twisted version of his former self with no soul? I would that that wise old New Englander had called up Lucasarts and dispensed his advice RE: bringing back Indy for a last romp before senility. At the very least, they could've given the nod to grown-up Short Round instead of Shia LeBeouf. George Lucas, you failed again.

Watching this makes me feel a little better. But just a little.

But I Love Spatial Relationships and Prostates Equally!!

It's fine and good to have more than one dream, but sometimes, you shouldn't try to have it all. Don't tell that to the world's first Architect/Urologist. Two services in one! And once you're bent over for the first, you can just stay in that position for the second (ZING)!

But seriously, I hate when people make up words to shill crap. Especially bad ones. Oh, and INSERT T-SQUARE UP THE BUTT JOKE HERE.

Elevator Etiquette Haiku

...because it's all I have time for. Writing only works for me when I have leftover brain power. If you have some to sell me, I'm in the market. I have been riding elevators a lot, and as such, have been writing haikus, like any normal person would.

Oh, elevator
Enabler to laziness
Except when you break


"Four please," said the girl
As if it’s my job to save
Her fat ass four flights


No thirteenth floor
But jumpers don’t kid yourself
You will hit early
(credit: Mitch Hedberg)

Don’t ask how I am
Just nod hi and gaze downward
Is that a Sunchip?

Heaven Is A Playground

My job continues to impale me on the spear of lethargy, toss me into the canyon of apathy, and chase me through a cave with a giant ball of HOLY SHIT am I excited for Indiana Jones 4. But for real, I’ve been at a loss for all endeavors that don’t involve my project, including personal relationships, exercise and feeding and bathing myself properly.

I am making headway on project White Men Can’t Jump, in which I attempt to establish myself at NYC playgrounds in order of ascending difficulty, peaking, ideally, with my inclusion into Rucker lore as Dr. Funk.



I’m currently operating well short of this skill level, struggling to even hold my own at St. Vartan’s Park, but I’m happy to be running again, weather permitting. St. Vartan’s occupies a tree-filled block just at the Queens-Midtown Tunnel entrance, not too easy to get to, surrounded by high-rise apartments that allow a fleeting aligned glimpse of the Empire State Building to the west, and the UN is a stone’s throw to the east; not too shabby as a setting for ball. The crowd is a mix of high schoolers and the local banking and lawyering gentry, with the occasional crackhead thrown in for flava. The games I’ve run in are not so intense and I could’ve definitely owned them in my more active days, but my ability to sustain a run has been hampered by a mix of booze, cubicle-jockey time and the sometimes palpably dust-clouded NYC air.

So expect scant personal updates for the time being, and a marked increase in You-Tubage, at least until this project clears in a few weeks.

There's a Li'l Bit of No Video Games in Prison

Sometimes, I want to do hoodrat stuff with my friends, too, but I do it in a safe environment with proper supervision in a way that everyone can enjoy. Also, Investment Lane and Consumer Drive?? Is that over by Maple Systems Road?